The Fuss About Gay Marriage is about the Children

Country and western singing icon and outspoken Christian Cary Underwood was recently criticized in on-line posts for her support of gay marriage. In an interview she said "any two people who love each other ought to be able to get married." While I disagree with Miss Underwood, I can appreciate how she comes to her conclusion. The church has neglected to teach a biblical view of human sexuality and marriage, and many millennial Christians would say much the same thing if asked. One of the reasons the courts have opened the way for gay marriage is that the Christian church has failed to model or to teach biblical marriage.  Some churches have even asserted that loving people the way Christ loves requires that we open the way for gays to marry. The Roman Catholic Church is considering a more open position on homosexuality. Miss Underwood's statement reveals a  misunderstanding of  the role of love and romance in marriage. The church needs to distinguish between Christian marriage and gay marriage in what we teach and do. A generation like Miss Underwood's is the product of our neglect of this topic. Even though some church's avoid the topic; sexuality is a subject the Bible does not avoid. We cannot teach the full panoply of scripture and treat the subject of marriage and sexuality casually. The result of casual neglect of biblical teaching on sexuality is Christians who have a casual or uninformed attitude toward sex and marriage. Had Miss Underwood understood what biblical marriage is she may have understood the speciousness  of her statement, and  the harm that would be done in a society where "anyone who love anyone else would get married."

When the U.S. Supreme Court recently overturned the Defense of Marriage Act and then refused to hear the appeals of five states that had been ordered by lower courts to recognize gay marriage their non-decision-decision effectively defined marriage in the same way Miss Underwood does, as a union between people who mutually love, respect and care for each other. Although love, respect and care are essential to a healthy marriage, Christian marriage is so much more. Gay marriage redefines marriage as a commitment to love and care for each other, and creates a dichotomy between Christian matrimony and the civil union the courts have now created. It redefines marriage very differently from the Biblical definition.  

Gay marriage creates tension for those who would seek to live as thoughtful followers of Christ. Many Christian officiants and business owners who service weddings are being forced to rethink what they do and believe.  Gary Myrick 64 year-old former Union County, North Carolina magistrate was one of six North Carolina judges who resigned rather than violate their convictions and perform gay marriages. Photographer, bakers, florists, dress makers, and some clergy have been penalized or forced out of business for refusing to serve or perform gay marriages. 5 Houston pastors have been ordered to turn their sermons over to be reviewed by censors or face contempt of court charges over their teaching regarding homosexual marriage. Many in the church find those who take these stands prudish or homophobic. They wonder why all the fuss about gay marriage?

The question which the courts have not answered, but which the church must now address, is what is marriage and why is it important? All of Western Society has for all of its history established marriage  as a spiritual, physical and legal union between a man and a woman? Without investigating the basis of that principle the courts have now determined it to be based on conjecture and punctiliousness. Homosexuals have argued that marital rights were necessary to protect their rights to live together, own property, make decision, and take care of each other. Yet  under existing law gays can adopt children, sign leases, go into business, live together, buy homes, cars, insurance or other property together. Gays are fully assimilated in the American society. Employers can not discriminate against them. With the completion of a medical proxy, which merely  requires a signature and two witnesses, a same sex couple can have mutual rights for making health care and end of life decision for a partner. This is not a particular inconvenience for gays, as the same documents need to be filed to protect the health care rights of straight couples.  The right to marry was unnecessary to provide a legal civil union for two people who love each other. The laws all ready provided that same protections for gay couples as it did for straight ones. In recent years nothing has prevented two gay people from living together and taking care of each other regardless of their marital status. Gay rights leaders understand that they have these same rights, so one can only assume that gays seeking protection to marry under the law have some agenda beyond mere civil rights. Gay marriage is a restructuring of the basic fabric of society and a redefining of marriage, family, and society. It is a new world view, which is contrary to a biblical world view. Our understanding of marriage is fundamental to our understanding of the gospel.

The definition of  marriage is fundamental to how we live as Christians citizens and how we fulfill God's purposes for our lives. The Old Testament begins, in its first book'  and ends in its last, defining marriage in Genesis 2:24 &25 and Malachi 2:14 and 15:

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed." Genesis 2:24 & 25 

"...' LORD was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth' ". (Malachi 2:14-15 ESV)

Though both texts are set in different historical and social context each  passages defines marriage the same. These values are affirmed often in the words of Jesus (Mark 10:1-7; Matthew 19: 1-5) and the Apostle Paul (Ephesians 5:31) as are the essence of the New Testament teaching on marriage family and society. Understanding these two passages helps us to understand that love and romance while an important aspect of a healthy marriage is not the basis of the union. To those of us in the Western World these passage seem strange. Neither passage asserts that marriage is a union of two people who fall in love and seek to care for each other. Neither passage mentions love or romance in its definition.

The Bible says much about love and romance. The Song of Songs is a book in the bible dedicated to the importance of sexual pleasure in marriage. Many passages in Old and New Testament talk about love between spouses, but the Bible sees love and taking care of each other as a responsibility incumbent on the commitment to marry, Yet love and romance are not seen as the reason for a commitment. I first realized that my view of marriage was prejudiced by a Western romantic thinking when a Christian friend of mine told me he was getting married. A neighbor of my family's was a 30-something Coptic business man, a dedicated Christ-follower, when he came to me one day and announced he had decided to take a wife. He owned the house next to mine at the time. His business was thriving. He felt he was ready to "start a family."  When I asked him about the lucky girl he told me about how a Coptic man chooses a wife. Shortly after our conversation he  would fly back to his home town in Egypt where his parents had selected four women, each a daughter of  a family friend. They were each in their early twenties, so they were about 10-years younger than he, and he had not known any of them in childhood. This trip would be the first time he met them. He spent a week with each one. During the fifth week he chose one to become his betrothed and paid a dowry to her family. He got married in the sixth week and returned to the United States, They had no honeymoon. They just went right back to their lives.

I was deeply concerned for my friend. I was convinced he was making a terrible mistake. How could he love this woman; I thought? Why they won't even know each other? His parents have no understanding of how this woman will fit in American culture, or how she will be suited to him? I was proven wrong on every count. The woman he chose and married was a young pharmacist. She was an excellent complement to his skills and likes and dislikes. She and my friend  formed a united, loving Christ-centered marriage as strong as any I had seen.  I searched the scripture for some passage to lovingly confront him before he left on his trip about what I was certain would be a disastrous union. I found nowhere that the scripture taught that two people who are love  and care for each other should get married. Rather many Biblical marriages were founded on  a decision to become betrothed. Love and romance followed the decision  Rather than courting or romancing her Jacob demonstrated his commitment to be Rachel's kinsman redeemer. She had been chosen for him before he had met her or had  any relationship with her. In some biblical relationships love and romance followed the betrothal as a matter of choice (Genesis 29: 9-20),

Yet the Bible is full great romances,too. Boaz notices Ruth gleaning in the field, woos her and redeems her (Ruth 4: 1-6); David fell in love with Michal, married her, then after their separation became enamored with Abigail, then married her. One of the greatest romance of all literature is the Song of Song where an unnamed shepherd romances the Shunamite servant from the court of King David. The scripture does not proscribe courtship methods or dating procedures. When one looks at the amount of adultery, abandonment and abuse that takes place in Western homes who can say our romantic unions are stronger or healthier than those that are arranged? I prefer our system because it is what I am culturally accustomed and it means I didn't have to marry that woman my mother always wanted me to marry.

God seemed to bless both arranged marriage and ones that are the product of romance, which says to me that the essence of marriage is not found in how it is formed. After wrestling with the scripture and observing his marriage I came to the conclusion that my Coptic friend's marriage was as Biblically sound as my own. Courtship methods vary in scripture, because marriages are not based on courtship practices. We don't marry someone because we court them,love them and romance them. Affection and passion no matter how strong will not sustain a marriage. We marry because of common values. The idea that we can or should marry anyone we love, care for  romance or court  disregards the common foundation of biblical marriage. If marriage is based on loving and taking care of each other, what happens when the romance dies, when their is no more love or passion wanes? What happens when one party is unable or unwilling to take care of the other? This striving for maximum romance and affection as the ground for marriage has left many Western homes in shambles when the expectations of one or both parties has not been met. Is it the circumstances in which people live that makes them married or is there a deeper more abiding principle?

The two defining Biblical texts on marriage are void any reference to love and romance, they define three values upon which Christian marriage is built. They provide an alternative to the view  that "any one who loves each other ought to be able to get married." The biblical view of marriage provides a milieu of love and respect for those who live in it. A Biblical marriage is a three part covenant between three parties to establish a healthy loving and respectful home and society that advances God's kingdom purposes throughout the earth. When we compare these two passages in the diagram below we can see the common principles that bind a Christian home together and that are represented symbolically in a Christian wedding. A couple and the Holy Spirit enter into a relationship to establish a family, form a spiritual covenant to advance God's kingdom, and to enjoy a heterosexual union for the purpose of pleasure and procreation. An understanding of biblical marriage will reveal how a homosexual union is something wholly foreign to biblical thinking.

Both texts speak of marriage between a man and a woman. The Genesis passage comes at the end of the creation account where if you recall God identifies the unique character of  the human race:

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” (Genesis 1:26-28 ESV)

Creating them in his image was in some way connected with the duality of the sexes. There is something about maleness and femaleness that reflects the image of God.  Couples are expected to multiply their species and to be the dominant creatures on earth. God's image and authority over his creation is advanced as man and woman unite together in reflection of God's Glory. The chart below juxtaposes the themes of these two passages showing that both passages emphasize the same bases for marriage. Christian marriage forms an extended family and ultimately a society for the glory of God.

God's  glory and man's dominion is reflected in the establishment of a family. According to Genesis God commanded the original couple, who had no predecessors' to "leave his father and mother." A married couple separates from any responsibility or accountability to their family of origin to create a new family unit. Procreation is the usual product of the marital function. This in no way implies that every couple will have children nor does it diminish the value of a childless couple. It merely states that out of one family comes another. So one of the purposes of marriage is to establish an independent family as part of a clan or social system. Through the social units established by marriage people will  have dominion over the earth. Families provide the social structure for governing the earth. Marriage is the foundation of society.

The  Malachi passages states  the same, but in a different social context. In the context of high divorce rates, and dysfunctional families, God commands the Jews to reconcile their broken marital vows for the purpose of preserving the society, because God seeks Godly offspring from a marriage. Although the reference may well be to the coming of the Messiah as the "godly offspring," it is much broader. The point is that God accomplishes his redemptive work through human beings, through families, nations and through the human marriages. He produces offspring for himself. Those offspring became many nations, out of those nations God chose one to be the progenitor of his Son, and the source of redemption for all mankind.  As God created Adam and Eve they became the ultimate progenitor of the human race. God displays his image in each of their descendants. His purpose for their marriage, and all subsequent, is to present the message of His provision and redemption to the world, build a kingdom for himself, and from those in his kingdom to establish a special relationship with those we call the elect, the saints or the saved.

Although an individual decision to to trust in Christ's provision for sin alone (John 1:14) is what makes an individual a child of God and results in her regeneration, the family is God's preferred venue for that message of the gospel to be heard and embraced. A Christian home is one where the grace, mercy and sacrifice of Christ is the motivation for all that is done. Children that live in a home that is Spirit-lead see the fruits of his grace and mercy in their home and are drawn to him in contrast to those who live with damage and dysfunction evident in families that are corrupted by sin. The Christian home is the natural environment for Christ to be honored and for children to receive "the nurture and admonition" of the Lord as a precursor to their individual salvation. Children who have been nurtured in the faith, although still imperfect, come into the kingdom with fewer limitations and hindrances to their own sanctification. Children that come from a heterosexual Christian union are often better equipped to carry the gospel to a fallen world, than those who have come from the severely dysfunctional environment.

Now I understand that homosexuals can form families. They adopt children, some have even born children through artificial means. These relationship confuse social roles which will eventually lead to a breakdown of society rather than the creation of extended families. If homosexuals can marry anyone they love, why not polygamy? The argument that loving commitment is the basis for marriage is opening the way for polygamyWhy is incest wrong? Homosexual marriage are not founded on the principle of forming  a family to carry out God's purposes. Particular homosexual individuals may sincerely desire to follow God, but they do not need marriage to advance his cause. In Europe many countries have adopted a principle of sexual self-determination into law. The idea is that a person has the right to have sex with anyone for whom they have affection, which is nearly the same as saying anyone can marry anyone they love. The principle of uniting with anyone a person loves is actually undermining the family. For example it  has lead to a repudiation of incest laws in some places arguing that incest is a fundamental human right for brothers and sisters who love each other.  The principle is that whomever a person loves and cares for they should be able to marry may result in nullification of incest laws.. How is the argument for sexual self-determination any different from the argument for gay marriage? The idea that  a person should be allowed to marry anyone they love risks the destruction of the protection to physical and psychological health that marriage established between a mother and father. It breaks down healthy social boundaries. Marriage is more than a contract between two people who love each other and want to take care of each other; it is a covenant.

The second value inherent in both these passages is the concept of covenant companionship. The Genesis reference to "hold fast to" our wives is covenant language. Malachi calls marriage a covenant between a man and a woman in which God participates as witness, and says couples are companions in a common pursuit. What is a covenant? While a contract is a transaction that equalizes people. One man who is in need of money but no longer needs his car sells his car to a woman who has money but needs a car. She gives him its value of $10,000. The two engage in a transaction of equal value, that satisfies a mutual need. The transaction equalizes them. A covenant is a transaction between un-equals. The town where I live controls and maintains the supply of water from a reservoir, which they own and control. One of the stipulations of my home mortgage is a  water use covenant. I can use a small portion of the water the town controls for a certain fee. I can access the water for my personal use, but they still control the water. They can raise the rate or shut it off any time. It is an unequal transaction. One side sacrifices or risks more for the benefit of the relationship. A covenant has no term in which it is active, as long a the terms of the covenant are met it endures. Malachai 2:15 says marriage is a covenant between three parties- a man, a woman and the witness to the covenant, the Almighty God. Notice the witness gives "a portion of his Spirit" in their union." It is the presence and power of the Spirit in the relationship which creates the disequilibrium in the relationship. It is the power the couple do not have within themselves. God only gives them "a portion." His Spiritual power is far beyond their ability to receive or produce. It is an un-equal relationship.  The Holy Spirit, who is fully God, companions with the couple  to empower them to love, forgive and advance God's kingdom. Nor is it an equal relationship between the couples. Each person gives himself/herself wholly for the other without demanding the same in return. It is a companionship based on giving rather than taking on surrender rather than mutual satisfaction. Each individual does not demand change from the other, the Spirit shapes each party in the covenant for his purposes.

The Spirit has the power to make new and regenerate each man and woman. Marriage does not restore each individual to relationship with God, nor does it bring forgiveness. It gives the couple the ability to walk as mutual companions, Genesis 2:24, "hold fast to his wife," Since the Genesis 2 account occurs before the fall of Adam and Eve into sin, and since Malachi speaks of a "portion of the spirit" distinct from salvation, the covenant of marriage is universal. It is not limited to the born again. It is a covenant that governs all humanity for all time. The work and ministry of the Spirit is not limited to the saved (I Timothy 4:10). Every person born into this earth, who takes the breath of life, experiences a portion of the Spirits life-giving ministry (1 Timothy 4:10). One does not have to be regenerated, born again, to enter into a marriage for it to blessed and unified by the Spirit's power. But it is the Spirit who does what no man can do: he holds the marriage together without time limit. He gives people, even unbelievers, the ability to experience a measure of his grace and to draw on his love in their relationship, even when they can not produce it themselves,  their spouse does not deserve it, and even when the circumstances in the marriage make it difficult or even impossible to achieve.

A covenant is enduring. A contract is usually completed within a specified time. Marriage creates life long companionship. Christian marriage is for life. A civil marriage, whether it be homosexual or heterosexual is contractual not covenantal. A marriage that is merely a contract for two people who love each other and want to take care for each other expires when either party ceases to love, or meet the expectations of care by the other. The contract is breached when either party fails to meet the terms. Does a homosexual marriage have that "portion of the Spirit." promised in Malachi 2. It is far more difficult to "hold fast to [spouse] when the only power you have is your own volition or commitment. Genesis two  and Malachi 2 define the covenant as being between "a man and his wife and the spirit as its witness." It makes the command in the context of human beings created in his imaged living in union. The Genesis text observes the created order where sexual beings both in the plant and animal kingdom, naturally reproduce after their kind. A heterosexual marriage reflects the natural process God created, and therefore reflects his image.  Homosexual union is contrary to nature and is a distortion of his image. A homosexual union is distinct from a Christian marriage. It is unnatural and lacks the empowering and unction of the Holy Spirit, which is the healthiest environment for intimacy.

Some gay marriage advocates dispute that a covenant marriage is the best environment for companionship; they would argue that traditional marriage has failed. Seldom a week goes by that I don't hear someone in the media, or worse yet in a pulpit, state that 50% of all marriages end in divorce as a reason to advocate some kind of non-traditional alternative to heterosexual marriage. There are two problems with that notion: first as I stated in my recent post   Only Kool-Aid Drinkers Believe in a 50% Divorce Rate the divorce rate in America has never been 50 % and traditional marriage at the end of 20th century is as strong as it ever has been. Since the 1980's the divorce rate has been steadily declining in this country, more couples are getting married rather than fewer, and marriages seem to be lasting longer. Second: the statistic is not only an urban myth it is misused. Even if it were the case, which it never has been, that 50% of all marriages end in divorce, one cannot assume that all those who marry understand or value the principle that I am calling covenant marriage. Even when divorce rates are high, the lowest divorce rates are among couples who value faith and have a vital relationship with God. Even if it were true, it would be no reason to abandon traditional marriage. Arguing that 50% of all marriages end in divorce, which they do not and never have, means that we should abandon traditional marriage is like saying 50% off all cars will have a flat tire next year, therefore, we should quit buying tires. Heterosexual covenant marriage provides the best foundation for healthy happy family life.

It is no accident that these two texts state the principle of establishing family and  the covenant  before they do the principle of sexual intimacy. This ordering of the principles is no accident. The first and second principles assert that a purpose of marriage is to establish something beyond the couple themselves. The first principle forms a family. Each member of the marital party separates themselves from one home and sacrifices to form another. The second brings the couple into the influence of the Holy Spirit. The focus of the marriage is on pleasing and serving God above pleasing and serving self and advancing his purposes. A Christian marriage is founded on worship, devotion service and sacrifice to God and each other ahead of gratification of ones romantic needs. It is about far more than two people's love for each other or taking care of each other. Marriage is the principle institution God uses to advance his agenda of salvation and restoration to a world that is broken and corrupted. Each member of the marriage sacrifices their needs for the sake of the other. A Christian marriage is not founded because one person meets the needs of the other. Rather it is founded because one person so loves the other that they give unselfishly to them.

Conversely, the gay  marriage is about exclusivity and selfishness. It's about what each person "does for the other." The homosexual union formed merely so that two people who love each other can take care of each other is focused inwardly on the gratification of the couple and the individual. Although this is a legitimate and worthy purpose for a union, it diminishes the value of marriage.   The Christian marriage unites both gender in a Spirit empowered companionship that extends the Spirit's grace and mercy to the world. It is the kind of unselfishness in which intimacy flourishes.

The third value of marriage is a heterosexual pluralistic sexual intimacy. That the nature of Christian marriage is a relationship between opposite sex people is obvious from the context in which marriage is introduced  as well as the commands to marry. We have all ready observed that the  Genesis definition of  marriage is is drawn from the creation account when God distinguishes humans from the rest of creation, he does so by saying human life is created in His image, it is sacred. He defines that sanctity in terms of maleness and femaleness. There is something inherent in the union of man and woman that is God like. The woman is created as a co-equal complement to man. Malachi calls her his companion from youth. As they observe creation, they observe that maleness and femaleness is a quality present in all animals plants who reproduce through procreation. Life usually generates life through sexual union. Heterosexual union reflects the character and nature and of God, while homosexual union is unnatural and unlike God (Romans 1:24 -27). It is a reversal of the created order, and a diminishing of God's glory. It reflects self rather than Someone Else. Out of  a union of, the mother and the father, comes another family. A man [or a woman] leaves that family embraces a member of the opposite sex creating a new family. In the confines of the created design a family covenant is established. Sex enriches and unifies the couple. In other words, sex is the fun part.

A Christian marriage unites a lifelong companionship through the glue of pleasurable sex. Malachi describes the husband and wife as being made one, and companions from their youth. Genesis calls them one flesh who stand in nakedness without shame. In a covenant marriage, sexual pleasure occurs without limits or boundaries, no inhibition no pretension," Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled (Hebrews 13:4 ESV)" Whatever a man and woman do with their bodies with mutual consent is respectable and honorable. It is an environment where past is forgiven and failures are forgotten. Two people enjoy each other and God merely for the sake of enjoyment for a lifetime. 

Christian marriage is a grace environment, which is totally distinct from gay marriage. While in principle I have no objection to defining and protecting the rights of homosexual couples, let's not define that protection as marriage. Gay marriage is unnecessary to preserve the civil rights of homosexual couples. To define marriage is such a way as to include homosexuals undermines the family, denies the natural duality of human sexual union denigrates God's image and denies participation in God's divine purpose. A biblical world view seeks to preserve the unique covenant companionship inherent in Christian marriage as God designed and as Solomon so beautifully described:

These words of Solomon's  Song of Songs describe the unique qualities of Christian heterosexual marriage:

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised. (Song of Solomon 8:6-7 ESV)

A biblical definition of marriage is represented in the diagram below:

Establishment of the family: Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother (Genesis 2:24 ESV)	Establishment of the family: And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. (Malachi 2:15 ESV)
Covenant hold fast to his wife, (Genesis 2:24 ESV)	Covenant the LORD was witness between you and the wife of your youth… she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? (Malachi 2:15 ESV)
Sexually Pluralistic Union …they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:24-25 ESV)	Sexually Pluralistic Union between you and the wife of your youth… Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? (Malachi 2:14-15 ESV)